A 36-year-old wrote to the r/Parenting subreddit seeking advice and a chance to vent about “how to deal with a crazy 2-year-old” as a neurodivergent dad. 

He prefaced his post by saying, “I love my daughter. So much. If anything ever happened to her, I’d be lost.” Despite the depths of his love, he has found toddlerhood to be more of a challenge than anticipated. In fact, he flat-out called parenting a toddler “the most painful experience” of his life. 

While it sounds jarring, it’s time parents stop sweeping their struggles under the rug. What he’s experiencing doesn’t make him a bad dad. If anything, his willingness to talk about how hard the process is means he’s doing everything right.

A neurodivergent dad said parenting a toddler is ‘the most painful experience’ of his life.

“My brain needs constant stimulation, otherwise I feel physical pain,” he explained. “I’m not kidding, it’s horrible.” In addition to ADHD, he suffers from anxiety attacks. He’s been on medication since his daughter was born to help manage his mental health. “I’m significantly better now,” he shared.

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His daughter is an only child, and his wife stays home full-time, so he’s in charge of childcare “virtually all day on weekends.” He listed certain things that “drive [him] insane,” like “the constant pulling at my hands [and] the screaming. Oh man, the screaming.”

“She wants to constantly grab things she can’t have and loses her mind. She’ll scream until she vomits,” he said. “Going out in public is always a disaster. I try my best to give her other options, but it rarely works.” He went on to say, “This routine is killing me and I hate myself because I can’t cope like other parents seem to be able to.” 

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The dad reached out for help, and other parents responded with both practical advice and emotional support.

“Hang in there, Dad!” One person exclaimed. They advised him to “create routines, stay active, set boundaries, offer distractions, and remember self-care.”

“Parenting is a rollercoaster, but you’re doing great,” one parent wrote. Another parent offered similar guidance, saying, “Structure your days so each day has the same type of routine. Kids thrive when they know what’s coming and what’s expected of them.” 

They offered up a sample routine for the dad to try out, sharing their own toddler-management techniques. Their schedule included a morning outing, which could be a trip to the park, library, or just a long walk to explore. “Take snacks,” they advised. “Then nap time [and] more snacks.” The commenter shared how having a set routine helps them, writing, “Being out of the house seems to use up energy and recharge my ability to parent without losing my dang mind.”

Another parent with ADHD and autism shared how much they to the dad’s post. “I’ve struggled to parent my two boys. I’ve also wondered why I can’t just deal with it like everyone else does,” they wrote. They provided a perspective rooted in grace and understanding, noting that “you don’t see how everyone else is dealing with it on their bad days.” They told the dad to consider what he needs to function and then prioritize those needs, “within reason.”

“It’s amazing what’s possible when you present the situation honestly and ask for what you need,” they said. “You can’t support others until you can support yourself.”

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There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, and talking about it is important.

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Parenting is hard. Social media has sadly made parenting that much harder, however. Instead of offering community and understanding, it’s become a place of judgment and fake perfection. Parenting author and mom-of-four Sarah Ockwell-Smith said it perfectly to the BBC: “Nobody’s perfect… especially me and I’m a parenting expert!” 

Putting the jokes aside, she added, “Nobody is as perfect as they’d have you believe on Instagram or Facebook,” says Sarah. “It’s all perfectly curated images. Even people you think are inspiring on social media can be quite damaging.” What she did stress, however, was that you shouldn’t strive to be perfect. You should only strive to be good enough. Apparently, the odds are much more favorable when it comes to being good enough. She said, “If you’re always perfect, that’s a really unrealistic role model for your kids. They’ll never learn how to make mistakes or know how to apologise. Instead, aim to get things right 70% of the time and try not to worry about the other 30%.”

Psychology professor Nancy Darling, Ph.D., would absolutely agree with Ockwell-Smith. She insisted that our parenting standards have become “unrealistic.” She wrote, “The single most important factor in positive child outcomes is unconditional love. Children need to know that no matter what happens, they can trust us to have their back. To love them no matter what. To try to keep them safe.”

This dad loves his daughter. That’s not in doubt. He loves his daughter enough to admit he is struggling, and that’s something that’s rare nowadays, but probably something more parents should be willing to admit.

Both parenting and being neurodivergent present their fair share of challenges. By asking for advice and airing his frustrations, the dad is taking the necessary steps to be open and vulnerable. He’s doing the hardest part: Admitting he’s having a tough time and asking for support. Toddlerhood is a phase that he and his daughter will get through, and allowing himself grace as they do is the most important part. 

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Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.